Lately I feel like I've been waiting for a lot to happen. I've had questions, constantly asking myself if I'm at the right college, doing the right things. I wonder if these small changes could make me happier, if there's something I'm missing. On top of that, some things in my life make me feel like I've been failing. I don't get my proposed dance, I work so hard on a student ministry, and yet get the news that it didn't pass as a student org. "Is it me?" I ask myself. "Is it just completely my fault?" And for some reason, I want to blame myself. I want to blame myself for not looking at more schools during my senior year, blame myself for not describing my ideas and intentions during my speeches as well as I could have.
Yet, it made me realize that I was placing my hope in the wrong things. I had set myself up to fail because I put all my hope in myself. I had set up expectations that I would achieve everything I set out to do. Instead of trying to achieve everything myself, I turned it over to God. I wrote in my planner that day: "Put your hope in the Lord for He will never fail you." Now this didn't mean that I was convincing myself that God would provide for what I wanted, but I knew that He would show me what I needed. A big way to handle the messy, unanswered, unknown, out-of-control parts of life is to faithfully trust in God. To be able to say, "okay, I've done all I can, I'm here now in this place and I'm giving it all to you God." That assurance gives me so much peace.
While giving me peace, it also means I have to wait. Waiting during the busy season is one of the hardest things, yet it's what God wants us to do. Much of the Bible is a story in anticipation for Jesus, a long wait for the Savior. He teaches us to be patient, to expect that His goodness and mercy will come. Waiting is hard, learning to let go is hard, but I've learned that it is so necessary.
So during this Christmas season, I've learned to be patient. To let my heart rest in order to make room for the love that God fills it with. To trust that God will lead me, and give me grace. Even if my questions aren't answered directly and my stress isn't magically relieved, I know that I can rest.
“If only you would prepare your heart and lift up your hands to him in prayer! You will lie down unafraid, and many will look to you for help.
Get rid of your sins, and leave all iniquity behind you.
Then your face will brighten with innocence. You will be strong and free of fear.
You will forget your misery; it will be like water flowing away.
Your life will be brighter than the noonday. Even darkness will be as bright as morning.
Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest in safety." -Job 11:13-19
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